I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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