dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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