Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Randomize
