Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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