Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
