He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
