People in love make me want to vomit
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Your cock deserves a montage
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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