I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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