I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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