Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
