Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
