you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
