Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
