So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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