dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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