I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize