We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I see more hoeing in ur future
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