So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
