i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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