My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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