He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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