Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
