And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
