WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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