a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
