On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize