That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm passing your future prison.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
