Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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