So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This house was built for laser tag.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
