Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
