I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize