My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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