Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
