I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize