I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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