Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
