I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
