Your face is a jimmy john
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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