i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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