How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
