I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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