allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
