I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
