Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
