My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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