Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize