Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
