I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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