I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
