U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
