Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
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