Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
