Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
