just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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