I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize