Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
