chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
