im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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