Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
